Here, then, are my New Year’s Resolutions for 2015.
1) I resolve to beat my 2014 Peter Oley Turkey Trot time in 2015. Note: I’m being very careful in resolving only to do the race, not to actually train for it.
2) I resolve not to go crazy anticipating a massive decrease in Village and school taxes now that the GM property is back on the tax rolls.
3) I resolve to stop teasing Tarrytown’s A Nu Toy Store just because they mistakenly spelled “New.”
4) I resolve to stop slowing down when crossing the Tappan Zee Bridge in hopes of seeing that big monster crane actually do something besides just sit there.
5) I resolve to learn how to spell Irvington’s Matthheiies… Mathias… Maaththyas… nevermind.
6) I resolve to try not to accidentally spell Mayor Ken Wray’s new Unite Sleepy Hollow Party as the Untie Sleepy Hollow Party, inadvertently costing him votes from the valuable pro-bondage demographic.
7) I resolve to stop bringing early drafts of my work to the Friends of the Irvington Library Spelling Bee in hopes that somebody will spell-check it for me.
8) I resolve to stop dropping by The New Tappan Zee Bridge office on Broadway in Tarrytown and asking “Are you done yet?”
9) I resolve to try and call the New Tappan Zee Bridge by its official name, whatever that is.
10) I resolve to figure out the difference between Philipsburg Manor and Kykuit.
11) I resolve to actually use the sweet set of clay poker chips I bought at The Cherry Door in Tarrytown last year so I don’t feel my $2 was wasted.
12) I resolve to stop standing at the gates of the Trump National Golf Course in Briarcliff Manor and yelling, “You’re Fired!” in my best imitation of The Donald.
13) I resolve to stop pestering the Village of Irvington to include either a 1950’s-style soda fountain or a hot tub in this year’s Irvington Town Hall Renovation.
14) I resolve to stop throwing tomatoes at Jonathan Kruk out of professional jealousy.
15) I resolve to visit Main Street Sweets in Tarrytown at least once a month. Even in February, when they’re closed.
16) I resolve to quit being a wuss and go on one of Sleepy Hollow Cemetery’s nighttime lantern tours.
17) I resolve to finally ask Briarcliff Manor’s Chocolate Chalet to cast my likeness in dark chocolate.
18) I resolve to save my marriage by not freeze-framing the TV to try to find our house whenever the TV show “Sleepy Hollow” shows one of their helicopter establishing shots.
19) I resolve to dine at one or more restaurants I’ve never been to within Irvington, Tarrytown, Sleepy Hollow, and Briarcliff Manor at some point in 2015. Or at least order a pizza.
20) I resolve to stop silently criticizing the idiots who throw gratuitous incendiary bombs into the 10591 Facebook group and then run away.
21) I resolve to stop bemoaning the loss of Irvington’s Cupcake Kitchen. Though I never actually went there, the idea that there was a local establishment devoted solely to cupcakes seemed to make the world a better place.
22) I resolve to figure out what else Washington Irving wrote.
23) I resolve to stop glaring at the new tennis courts down by the Tarrytown Train Station whenever I have to park in the far lot.
24) I resolve to stop asking the Guadalajara house mariachi band to play “Wild Thing!”
25) I resolve to learn the fire horn code for my street, so when I’m woken up in the middle of the night, I’ll know whether or not to run screaming into the street in my jammies.
26) I resolve to learn the names of all the different body shops on Central Avenue so that the next time I leave my car to get smog checked I won’t have to visit all of them trying to find it.
27) I resolve to resist visiting the Briarcliff SPCA. Three words: NO MORE KITTIES!
…and finally, and possibly most importantly…
28) I resolve to start celebrating Halloween this year sometime around mid-July.