I think that’s where I’m at. (Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration there but there is certainly no serenity now!) Which leads me to ask an even deeper, philosophical question: Is all this meditation stuff only serving to bring up icky, negative feelings to the surface that I’ve been trying to keep buried deep down in my soul for 30 some odd years? If so, why am I disturbing my ignorant happiness? Is it really worth it? Do I HAVE to work through all my emotional baggage in oder to truly be happy? (I know plenty of you are shaking your heads YES, YES you fool, you have demons that need to be released.) Well, if you’re going to put it that way… maybe I like my demons. Maybe they’re making me happy while the rest of the world is messing me up!
Who knows what it is but all this head stuff has sent me into a head funk. The mantra’ing has permeated into my daily life making me repeat over and over, I love myself just as I am… but do I? (Ugh, now we’re really entering murky waters!) Listen, all I’m saying here is that meditation is some serious stuff and there is no warning label on it to prepare you for what may bubble up to the surface. I’m trying to let you all know that it can be tricky, it can be sneaky, and it can be scary. On the odd flip side though, it also can be pretty good, because there are times afterwards I do actually feel a little lighter, a little more able to handle the day; so is it a Catch 22? Am I damned if I do, damned if I don’t? Pretty messed up stuff.
I’m gonna stick with it though, as much as I may want to run like a screaming baby into my mama’s arms and just hope it all goes away. There’s got to be some good that comes out of this.
(Or so I think… Serenity Now!)