For some people, this time of year can be anything but holly and jolly. Grief and the holidays isn’t a title you’ll find on the Hallmark Channel, nor a display in the windows of a department store. In fact, even putting the words “grief” and “holidays” together in the same sentence can make people uncomfortable at this time of year. After all, the holidays are a time for joy, tradition, nostalgia and presents. For those of us mourning a loss, grief may seem like the only available gift to us this season.
When the occasion calls for cheer, how can we honor our sorrow?
Gae Savino, a licensed clinical social worker and certified death, dying and loss/grief counselor, reminds us that “Grief drains energy and the holidays require energy so give yourself permission to be wherever you are in your grief and set boundaries.” Through the Droste Parish Counseling Network Program at the St. Augustine Bereavement Program in Ossining, Gae offers weekly group grief counseling. Her workshop on Dec. 9, Grief & Hope: Can They Co-Exist?, explores the juxtaposition of holding sorrow and joy, an especially relevant topic around this time period.
Savino strongly suggests self-check-ins when you’re grieving to gauge your energy and emotions and allow for time away if needed. One of Savino’s tips this season is to “Give yourself permission to feel the normal range of grief emotions and be self-compassionate.” A sentiment also echoed by Carmine Carpinone, of Dwyer & Michael’s Funeral Home in Tarrytown. “I’ve seen a lot of different ways people grieve over the years and it’s always important to allow yourself to move at your own pace” expresses Carpinone.
Allowing yourself the space to hold your emotions can also take the pressure off of creating the perfect holiday – a “red flag” Rabbi Daniel Polish of Temple Israel of Northern Westchester, advises us to watch out for this season. “When the reality of our holiday doesn’t live up to our fantasy, disappointment and maybe even depression are sure to follow” Polish warns. “So, keep your expectations realistic” he continues, “Understand that your holiday is taking place in the real world, and whatever joy you experience will be fulfillment enough.”
If you begin to feel overwhelmed this season, Savino has a gift for you, well,12 actually. From Savino, Pickering, 2023; whatsyourgrief.com, 2020; Wolfelt, 2005- we present the 12 Gifts of Permission:
- Avoid “The Busy-ness Trap.” Only do what feels comfortable.
- Avoid “The Santa Syndrome.” Fake jolly.
- Avoid “The Habit Trap.” “I have to…That’s the way we always did it…”
- Avoid “The Treadmill Trap.” Attend holiday gatherings, shopping, decorating, cooking, entertaining…just because it’s the holidays!
- Seek support from others. Tap into your social support system.
- Don’t feel guilty if you’re not merry and bright.
- Allow for wiggle-room in the schedule. Take a “time-out.”
- Tweak, adjust, modify traditions or create new ones.
- Remember to breathe. Pray, yoga, dance, exercise.
- Let your perfectionism go.
- Seek counseling or group support, if necessary.
- Avoid toxic people in your life, especially now!
Grief will continue to be with you long after the last house guest leaves and the leftovers eaten. Establishing healthy coping strategies is crucial in managing the waves of grief. For help beyond the holidays, The Parish Counseling Services, a collaboration between the Archdiocese of New York and Droste Mental Health Servies, offers up to six free counseling sessions for Catholic parishioners. Dwyer & Michael’s Funeral Home offers a free subscription called, Letting the Sunshine In, daily emails that provide hope and encouragement through the grieving process.
I hope you all find a way to honor your loss, your love and yourself. Wishing you as much peace as possible this holiday season.
- mindfulheartcouncelingservice.com
- dwyermichaelsfh.com/grief-and-healing/365-days-of-grief-support
